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Bachelor in Paradise is my favorite show on television. It’s the best thing the Bachelor franchise has ever done, and I’m including when they pretended to strand Olivia on that island. (Ben “The Ax Man” Higgins’s season is objectively the best season of the flagship show.) BiP is corny and it’s horny, and its conflicts are primarily romantic rather than the boring bully-vs.-tattletale storylines that pad out every Bachelor/ette season. But this is a summer show. I should be drinking a frozen beverage and blasting the A/C. This season started on September 28, and they just announced six more episodes, meaning the finale isn’t going to air until November 22. It is absolutely unconscionable that I will be watching drunk idiots in swimsuits get engaged after knowing each other for three weeks while I help my mom prepare Thanksgiving dinner. This is blood-flooding-the-Red-Keep’s-walls season, not goofy-beach-themed-sitcom-y-intros season.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into it.

Actually, first, a programming note. You have likely noticed that I am not Ali. Your favorite recapper and mine is off this week, so I’m filling in with a double recap for both Monday’s and Tuesday’s episodes. Luckily, if we ignore Ashley and Jared, which I will be doing as much as possible, not much happens in Monday’s episode so we should be good to go.

GET THESE MARRIED PEOPLE OFF THE HORNY BEACH. I don’t want to hear a husband complain about his wife’s rancid farts on Bachelor in Paradise; I get enough of that at home. (I’m pregnant, so you can’t make fun of my digestive issues.) Bachelor Data reports that the Iaconettis got nearly twice as much screen time as anyone else on Monday’s episode. Excuse me?! We are repeatedly told that they’re here to “reconnect,” which apparently means sleeping in an unairconditioned room and being surrounded by single strangers and Lace. When my husband and I want some “us time” we get an Airbnb in the Poconos, but to each their own I guess. Wells tells the story of their courtship, conveniently leaving out just how uninterested in Ashley’s whole deal Jared was for a full three years. Congrats to her on wearing him down, but it is baffling that we’re devoting an entire episode to their paid vacation. That is all I have to say about this dumb story line. Moving on.

Poor Rodney is looking around for Teddi like one of those dogs who doesn’t know their owner died. He is confused and sad when he finds out she left, and Brandon pulls his bro aside to pump him up. It’s extremely cute! Rodney decides to give up his date card and instead hang out at the beach to get to know everyone, reasonably saying that it would be like telling someone they’re his second choice. This is the last good decision Rodney makes tonight. He sidles up to Lace at the bar and immediately starts touching her arm. Apparently she’s his type (I can’t imagine what that type would be, and if I could it would be too mean to print) and they go make out on the beach. Rodney, sweet Rodney, what are you doing, bud? Rodney, RUN. This is a woman who got mad at Ben Higgins for not making enough eye contact with her at a rose ceremony. This is a woman who got a matching tattoo on a first date. This is a woman who lied about it being her birthday because she wasn’t getting enough attention. She is the definition of a hot mess. Everyone on the beach is baffled, as am I.

Meanwhile, Genevieve pulls Justin aside to talk about their relationship for what feels like the 37th time. Also, it’s his birthday. (Side note: How many birthdays are we going to celebrate? Is this a beach full of Geminis? Because that actually makes a lot of sense.) Ali covered much of this already because, again, these people talk to each other like a couple on their last legs trying to ride out a lease. So I’ll just say that several times during this conversation, Justin comes so close to making good points about them having different expectations and wanting different things, but then immediately ruins it by saying gross shit like, “Are you not gonna kiss me on my birthday?” In the words of Aaron, who is watching this all go down, “I feel like throwing up a little bit.”

Genevieve does kiss Justin on his birthday and then immediately freaks out about it. Honey, you have the rose this week! Kiss as many boys as you want, and if they have a problem with it they can suck it up or go home. Still, it should probably tell you something about where both of these relationships stand that you got so upset after kissing someone you’ve been casually dating for three days. She goes to find Aaron, who has stomped off in a huff. Genevieve and Aaron communicate marginally better than Genevieve and Justin, but that’s not saying much. Aaron calls Justin manipulative, which is like Lace calling Shanae chaotic.

Also Genevieve and Shanae are friends now? Okay, fine.

Speaking of Shanae, she has the same complaint about Logan as Genevieve does about Justin, which is that he’s not putting in enough of an effort to make her feel special. While I absolutely believe that these dummies are not making an effort, I also think that there are more complicated power dynamics at play here. Logan essentially says as much, pointing out that he doesn’t know how she’s feeling after her date with James. This is true and also a bad play. Instead of, you know, asking her, Logan is falling into the classic Paradise mistake of thinking that if someone you like goes on a date with someone else, they’ll come back and seek you out to reassure you that you’re good. That’s not how this works, but Logan isn’t the best at understanding how the show he’s on works.

Brandon and Serene go on a date. This dude is a grade-A dweeb, but it’s working on her. They’re falling in love with each other. Cute!

Now we have to get into Sierra and Michael, and y’all, it’s a doozy. This is the kind of real, sad, messy shit that I live for. Gimme a breakup between two nice people trying and failing to not hurt each other’s feelings, yum yum yum!!!  Sierra tells Michael that she’s been thinking a lot about being a stepmom to his son and getting emotional at the idea of other kids being mean to him at school. Look, I get it. I have planned weddings in my head after second dates. But you have to keep that shit to yourself or you’re gonna scare people! During this conversation Michael is wearing a 10,000-yard stare, and it’s clear that this is not sitting well with him. Later that night, Sierra takes Michael to a telescope she (read: a PA) has set up and shows him a constellation she bought for him and his late wife, Laura. Setting aside the fact that those star-naming things are fake and lame, this is just Too Much for a three-day-old vacation relationship.

Michael does a lot to try to pathologize how he’s feeling. He tells Wells that he falls too hard too fast. He tells the audience (read: a producer) that he gets in his head and pushes people away. He tells Sierra that he is “trying to find a way back to happiness” and doesn’t want to hurt people he cares about in the process. Buddy, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. I think she made you uncomfortable by treating your kid and late wife like a fun little thought experiment. That is entirely fair. But based on your own logic here, you should be the one going home, not Sierra. If your excuse for breaking up with her is that you haven’t figured out how best to date while still grieving your wife, you can’t then go and date another cute, bubbly girl ten years younger than you. In trying to spare Sierra’s feelings, he’s made it impossible for us to root for him with anyone else.

Onward to night two! Just as the men do some math and figure out that, as things stand, five of them will be going home in the next rose ceremony, Suitcase Salley finally arrives. She tells Jesse she’s late because she “had to take care of some things with work,” which everyone already knows is a lie. She also reveals that she didn’t get on THREE SEPARATE PLANES. Does this woman’s vagina grant wishes or something? Why didn’t producers give up on Salley after that second missed flight? I think they hoped she’d be, in the words of James Marsden on 30 Rock, “‘haha’ crazy, not ‘oh boy’ crazy.” They were wrong. As soon as Salley is confronted about lying, she starts shouting nonsense about cameras and people being here for the wrong reasons and she’s too real for this and out of respect for her ex she wants to leave. Justin (whom, we are reminded, kissed Salley at Stagecoach) is upset about his only chance at a rose flaming out faster than a Walgreens vibrator.

The next morning, Peter arrives, and I swear to God I’ve never seen this man before in my life. Allegedly he was on Michelle’s season and he owns some pizzerias in Florida. Peter seems about as appealing as Florida pizza, but his arrival still fucks up the math even further for our boys. He takes Brittany on a classic Paradise yacht date, but not before loudly grumbling about pineapple on pizza to a resort employee who’s surely getting paid less than he is. While they’re gone, we see Casey complaining about how much Peter talks about himself, interspersed with footage of Peter talking about himself. Brittany is not feeling it at all, and we get the second aggressively swerved kiss of the season. It’s delicious, much like pineapple on pizza.

Okay, sorry, last thing I will say about Ashley and Jared: I need someone to tell Wells that “with child” means “pregnant,” not “has a child.”

When they get back to the beach, Peter and Brittany break off to debrief. While Brittany describes every excruciating thing he said and did, Peter absolutely cannot fathom that she wouldn’t be into him and tells the men that he thinks she’s not there for the right reasons. Pathetic. This man is a clown. Andrew, upon hearing that Brittany had a terrible time on her date, takes her aside to shoot his shot. She says she was thinking about him during the date, and they smooch. Andrew is a cutie and a sweetie and I love this for them.

Jacob gets the second date card of the episode, and he takes Jill to another classic Paradise date: the culturally vague shamanic ceremony. They get naked and howl at the moon, which is the kind of “quirky” shit hot people who think they’re interesting because they have tattoos love to do. I think these crazy kids might just make it!

Hold up, it’s another fucking birthday?? Brandon has everyone sing “Happy Birthday” to Serene because she told him that when she was a kid no one came to her birthday parties. It’s sweet!

Michael helpfully narrates where everyone stands ahead of the rose ceremony. Brandon and Serene, Genevieve and Aaron, Rodney and Lace, Andrew and Brittany, Jill and Jacob, Victoria and Johnny are coupled up. That leaves Justin, Peter, Casey, Romeo, and Michael with virtually no chance at a rose, and Logan and James in a love triangle with Shanae. Logan appears to have internalized what Shanae said about wanting to feel pursued, and he sets up a little pool snorkeling date. He gives her his “lucky beads,” and she is very into it. A man listening to what a woman says she needs from him and altering his behavior accordingly?? Anything really can happen in paradise!

Jacob and Jill return from their date, basking in the afterglow of rubbing their bare butts together, and OH SHIT, KIRA’S BACK. Apparently she has some “unfinished business” with Jacob, which is just telling him that she wanted his rose. That’s not how this works! If you don’t get a rose, you leave!!! I understand that when a contestant is eliminated they aren’t actually “sent home”; they are sent to a hotel to wait out the end of the production schedule. But at least pretend to follow your own rules, Bachelor in Paradise!!!

The reason they’re allowing this is, of course, that it absolutely short-circuits Jill. It’s not until Brittany interrupts them that Jacob finally tells Kira it’s not gonna happen, in which time Jill has left the beach to sit on a bed and sadly stare at her crystals. Jacob apologizes and says he just wanted to hear Kira out because she was emotional, but that he’s still all in on Jill. Whatever, dude. Anyone who can’t be hypnotized by red lipstick and anime eyes can see that nothing Kira’s saying is sincere. She is a sex demon who lives for chaos.

Unfortunately, all of the men on the beach are easily tricked, and Romeo swoops in to talk to Kira as she takes her hot-girl walk. Kira says that paradise hasn’t worked out for her so far because she’s “too fun.” Sure, that’s it. Romeo and Kira hug and cry, then stand there grinning at each other for a full 60 seconds before deciding to leave paradise together. You know what? They deserve each other. She is obviously playing him, and he is obviously too blinded by a pretty girl smiling at him to know he’s being played. I’ve seen relationships built on less.

The last thing I’ll say before I leave you is that I think the Bachelor franchise has a new editor, because they have been having some fun in that editing bay since Gabby and Rachel’s season. We saw it a couple times this episode, like when we cut from Peter saying he was “humble” on their date to Brittany recounting how often he talked about himself. But that whip-zoom on Romeo’s face as he stares into the middle distance and bites his lip is the boldest they’ve gotten with the editing yet. It’s pure, stupid art and I love it. More!!!!!

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