'If you ask me, sex is overrated'

If you ask me, sex is overrated. Not as an enjoyable hobby - there's no question that there is pleasure to be had in bed - but as the physical act that underpins not only our relationships but our lives.

Esther Perel's book assumes that entry into a long-term relationship means bidding farewell to the frenetic sexual activity we've enjoyed when single. Unhappiness with married sex stems from comparisons with the thrilling days of singleton life when sex was available on every corner. This seems to me the misapprehension at the heart of the matter. If you're prepared to go at it with any Tom, Dick and Kylie, attempting to satisfy a craving for physical contact with mediocre sex you probably won't go wanting. But if good sex is the by-product of great passion then for singletons by definition it's in short supply.

This mythical period of covetable sex is as elusive for most of us as the exciting single era it's meant to be a part of. For many being single was a long dreary slog to find someone you cared about. So when you settle into a long-term relationship, and the initial passion starts to dwindle, what's the panic? Passion doesn't have to be constant any more than laughter in a relationship and I'd argue they are equally important. Of course it's a good idea to keep your partner on their toes and generally fight off the slide into companionable nonchalance. Sex is an activity that offers the potential to enrich our lives, but in a society increasingly obsessed with it, perhaps it needs knocking off its pedestal? Relationships don't split up through lack of sex, it's just one of many ingredients required to maintain a healthy balance. Neither do most people embark on affairs because of a lack of sex at home. More often complacency coupled with a lack of love, understanding, or recognition sends people hurtling down that path.

Naturally if you embark on an affair then your sex life improves by default because you are devoting time to it - a luxury many couples struggle for in increasingly pressured times. This dialogue about sex in relationships is something that until very recently was solely the preserve of the chattering classes. Despite long hours, low pay and the stress of being the main breadwinner maintaining a sex life with your wife was something that working men considered a duty. Equal rights in all matters are obviously an improvement, but it's ironic that an old-fashioned sense of duty may have had more to contribute to sex in marriage than any counselling or psychobabble. Nowadays it's all about how we feel. Fifty years ago it was all about what was expected of you. Perel in some ways harks back to the dutiful couple, since those days were also times of reserve and it's obvious that the less you reveal to your partner the more likely you are to maintain an air of mystery and elusiveness. Both attributes commonly considered to be very sexy.

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