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Women, en masse, are quitting dating. Simply opting out of the whole thing, rejecting the cookies, and committing to being single.

Two weeks ago, a friend told me over coffee that she’s “not doing it [dating] anymore”, that her desire to be in a relationship is not as great as her desire to be free from the perils of modern dating. She would like a partner, but can’t subject herself to more failed dates and “negging on Hinge”. Her situation, it seems, isn’t unique.

On Twitter, Heidi Moore observed the same trend, saying “I keep seeing women say they've stopped dating and they're staying single, and it's because they've been traumatised by men in the past and have no desire to face the demoralising trauma of The Apps”, it has 53,000 likes. Hundreds of women replied, concurring.

How did we get here? And why is it heterosexual women, specifically, who are putting down the dating apps? GLAMOUR spoke to three women who’ve made the decision to stop dating to find out…

Alice, 34, Somerset

I decided to give up dating in 2021 after I’d had a series of situationships with men that left me feeling empty and they were the last straw. I’d spent my entire life up until that point completely obsessed with what men thought of me and doing everything I could to get their attention. But I realised at the age of 32, that despite me trying my hardest to attract and meet the perfect man, very few of them had respected me or been very nice to me. So, I decided to spend some time alone, get therapy and focus on other areas of my life. It’s now 2-years-later and the thought of dating makes me feel a bit sick to be honest. I live a very happy life and I’ve achieved really great things in this time. I don’t want to revisit the stress and trauma of dating men and ruin the peace I’ve created.

A lot of men present themselves online as a ‘nice, woke guy’ but then as we get to know them, their misogyny ultimately seeps out. It’s very easy for them to manipulate us before we’ve met them - in their profiles and via messages - so we already have a picture painted in our heads of what they’re like. We’re hopeful. Then, when their actions contradict this it’s harder for us to notice or call it out because we’ve already convinced ourselves that’s not what they’d do. It leaves us feeling like we can’t trust our own judgement but how can we truly judge someone via an online profile?

I think digital dating is so toxic because of the throwaway nature of online dating. I’ve felt like a temporary ego boost for men in the past; like they're just talking to me to make them feel good about themselves but with no intention of anything serious (which I usually find out about 6 weeks in).

There wasn't really one specific big traumatic incident but more lots of micro incidents that all added up to me giving up.

There were a few instances where the men I dated came across as very nice and forward thinking; they gave off lots of green flags in regards to feminism and equality but once the dating became sexual it was a different story. From things like refusing to wear a condom to problems like non-consensual strangling and other sexual acts. One man lied about wearing a condom, when he wasn’t, which left me feeling very violated.

“I think despite what we’re told as young women, there is SO much more to life than dating.”

On a more emotional level, a lot of the men seem to be very keen at the beginning - they will plan a future with you, invite you to meet their family, want to see you all the time (even if you don’t initiate any of these things) and then a couple of months later, they either ghost you or go cold and tell you they weren’t looking for anything serious. They could have just decided they’re not into me anymore (which would be fine) however, this same story happens to a lot of other women I have spoken too. It’s a pattern that comes up a lot.

Both these occurrences just made me give up trust in the process of dating. I’ve tried a couple of times to re-download the apps but I haven’t wanted to match with anyone because I don’t trust their profiles. So, I’ve decided to just crack on with my life and if someone I meet organically changes the way I view men then great, but if not, also great!

Even though I initially was put off dating by a series of bad men, I’ve actually had the best time of my life being voluntarily single. I’ve done so many awesome things alone and gained a confidence and assurance in myself that men quite often took away. I think despite what we’re told as young women, there is SO much more to life than dating. Learning to be comfortable with your own company leads to a really rich and fulfilling life.

“A lot of men present themselves online as a ‘nice, woke guy’ but then as we get to know them, their misogyny ultimately seeps out.”

*Linda, 30, California

I was on the dating apps for 4 years, in search of a long-term relationship, but deleted them 6 years ago because I didn't meet someone who wanted the same things as me and got exhausted from the process. I have noticed a boost to my mental health and overall well-being, since they’re no longer part of my daily life.

Dating apps prize superficial things like how you look, your age, and your height over more important factors like similar values between people trying to cultivate a romantic relationship. Apps even make it easier for people to mistreat others in ways that they probably wouldn’t if you were face-to-face with someone or had a mutual friend. Could you imagine walking away from someone who is directly speaking to you in the middle of a conversation at a happy hour? That would seem so weird, but things like ghosting are normalised in digital dating.

But I think one of the worst things about dating apps is that they’ve been around for about a decade, and so many people think we have to be on them or else we’ll never find romantic love, even despite the negative experiences they have using these same technologies. Humans have met, connected, and partnered up for centuries without digital dating and will continue to do so regardless of whether these tools continue to exist or not.

I can’t speak to what men are going through, but I have noticed that more of my fellow single women friends discussing bad experiences we've had with online dating, whether we’re still using these tools or not. But if more women are indeed quitting digital dating relative to men, it wouldn’t surprise me. I have been part of an online community created by a woman named Shani Silver who talks about singlehood and modern dating in general, and so many women who used to date online talk about how much better they feel no longer using thesm. These women also try to support and encourage each other to savour our individual single lives- whether or not we want romantic partners. To be part of an encouraging and affirming group like this amidst a dating environment that’s become more toxic is a reason to feel encouraged rather than defeated.

“I hope to live in a world where single people—especially women—are more valued, celebrated, and cherished than we are now. I think we’ll get there.”

I’ve had good dates and bad dates, but none resulted in me reaching my ultimate goal, which was having a long-term romantic relationship. One guy on Coffee Meets Bagel (an app) that I was interested in knowing better matched with me and said he thought a spark was there, only to say the next day that he changed his mind and was “no longer interested.” At that point, I was so done. To have someone dash your hopes like that, so easily, felt manipulative and crass, and I deleted all the dating apps for good, weeks later. But I’d also say his bait-and-switch pushed me towards changing my life for the better. I no longer actively try to date, and I got my life back. I really did! And I don’t regret it for one minute.

I’m now 30 and still haven’t had a long-term relationship, but my perspective is so different now. I feel lucky and fortunate to have the opportunity to cultivate the kind of life experiences I wanted. I have a career that I enjoy in communications and make a steady income. I've been able to live abroad twice and travel to 20 countries, most of them solo. I've met people in my community through volunteering. I've never had a boyfriend by my side as my life has taken its course, but my friends, family, and acquaintances have helped me grow so much and supported me every step of the way. Being able to finally afford living by myself has helped me feel more independent, and made me grateful that I don’t have to constantly negotiate things like chores with another person. I am still open to a romantic relationship and hope to have one someday, but I don’t put myself down or see myself as lesser than other people for not having one. I’d say that at a time when more of my peers are getting engaged, married, and having kids, this mindset has been a lifesaver.

I know it would have been easier for my life to fall in line with the social scripts and timelines we’ve been told to follow when it comes to romantic love and relationships. And failing to live up to those scripts made me feel alone and outcast in the past, and on rare occasions even now. But it's reassuring to see more people talking singlehood in a more affirming way. In fact, I'll admit that I am happy that my life turned out the way it has. It has given me a unique perspective on life that I wouldn't have had otherwise if everything "fell into place" like society said it should. This is not what I expected, but it is so much better and freeing. And I hope to live in a world where single people—especially women—are more valued, celebrated, and cherished than we are now. I think we’ll get there.

Jodie, 38, New South Wales

I'm happy with my life as it is, so the thought of adding someone else's wants and needs doesn't appeal to me. I also don't really have the energy to go through the entire process of looking. Between managing my business, chronic illness and existing relationships I can be exhausted, so adding something new feels daunting. Another reason I'm voluntarily single is I'm not a fan of the new way of dating. I prefer getting to know someone in person before being in a relationship rather than using an app to find a date. I like the idea of developing a relationship more naturally.

“Women are realising that it was society pressuring them to have a partner, not necessarily their own desires.”

I think more heterosexual women are making this choice to remain single, then other demographics. But the fact I'm a straight white female could influence my view on this because it makes me more likely to have similar people in my circles. Women are realising that it was society pressuring them to have a partner, not necessarily their own desires. Similarly, women are no longer viewing motherhood as their foremost life ambition and choosing to remain childless. Women's rights movements have allowed women to access bank accounts, jobs and property equally, removing the need to rely on men. I mean, I own property and make my own money, so what benefit does having a partner actually bring me?

My last relationship, which is actually my only adult relationship, really, left an impact on me and my views on dating. I got very lost in that relationship and lost contact with my friends, all in this quest to make him happy and be loved by him. I would not go to events with my friends because he didn't want to come with me and I was so invested in just making him happy that I ignored my needs or wishes. I realised how much I had changed after leaving the relationship and that I should have done it sooner. In fact, it was the 12 months I spent living with my ex after the breakup that made me realise just how unhealthy it was. To stay away from the same mistakes, I stopped dating for a while. Loneliness then made me think of getting into another not-so-good relationship. So I got a dog. My dog fills that companionship role, and in terms of dating, I had some small attempts, but one guy ghosted me because I wanted to chat with him more than I guess he was interested in chatting with me. I cut another attempt short because of personality differences that came out. Since then, my lack of dating has been mostly because I've been focusing on other parts of my life.

“I think the modern dating scene is a scary place for heterosexual women”

I've seen some quotes floating around that really sum up my view on dating these days, one was from Tracey Ellis Ross; “I would love a relationship that makes my life better than it is. I have no interest in just being in a relationship.”

I think the modern dating scene is a scary place for heterosexual women, not that it's not scary or dangerous for other people, but there's something about the growth in influence of men like Andrew Tate that makes it extra dangerous for women.

I've been single for over 10 years now and the reality is it's partially because the risk is not really worth the reward in my mind. But it's also because I wanted to work on myself so that if I were to meet someone I wanted to spend more time with, it would be addition to my life not trying to fill a void in any way. I get companionship from my dog and friends, I can make my own money, I own my home and well for sexual gratification, sex toys exist, and it's not a priority. But the reality is the modern world means there is less need for any one to be dating unless they really want to, whatever your gender or sexuality. Independence is more available to us than it has been for other generations.

For more from GLAMOUR's contributing editor, Chloe Laws, follow her on Instagram @chloegracelaws.

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